I haven't been this sober since birth.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
