So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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