Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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