Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
