I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
