dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
