Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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