So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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