Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
