Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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