My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
