I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
being pregnant is like rehab
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
