At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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