I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
