apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
