i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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