Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Green mimosas i think yes
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
