NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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