new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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