I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
