he puts the penis in happiness.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
