before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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