you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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