i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
