Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize