there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
