Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
