Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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