I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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