my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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