Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
