Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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