It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
