Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
