She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
