my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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