My Higher Power is John Stamos
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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