True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
