Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
