from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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