I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
