is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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