I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
