I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
