i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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