my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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