i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
