I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
