They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
