I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
