I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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