Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
