Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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