my mouth tastes like poor choices
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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