i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
