thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
