you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
